Wednesday, January 1, 2014

In Praise of Boredom...the Gift of Unfilled Time

Dressed as Beatrix Potter, my daughter paints in the garden.

It is not unusual to hear a child say, "I'm bored." But before you consider that comment as an immediate demand on your creative faculties,  guide your child to realize the perfect door is open to discover and create. It is only when children are looking for something to do that they fall into the best kind of play, that is, as long as all media is unavailable.

Somehow as parents we have stumbled into entertaining our children and found ourselves trapped by the constant need our children have to be stimulated.   We scramble around trying to fill their time with something that occupies them because an unoccupied child is hazardous, we fear (and this fear is not completely unfounded :)).  We put them in classes, in leagues, get DVDs for them to watch in the car, and plan multiple events to stimulate them.  When actually, one of the best gifts we can give our children is unfilled time. Only when a gaping hole of time stretches before them do they become curious to fill it.

Beware...parents and children alike will be tempted to go first for what will entertain and require no imaginative effort, and this is what we MUST resist.  Everyone reading this is most likely in a constant fight against the encroachment of media (I know because I am, too).  I am writing this to encourage you in your fight.

It is easier for us as parents to be productive if our children are entertained with a video game than if they are coming in muddy from digging an unwanted trench in the yard.  How many times my dinner could have been on time if I had not had the "help" from my child on a stool wanting to stir and measure.  Wouldn't a movie during dinner prep time make my life so much easier?  Yes.  But easy is not always what yields the best long term results.  For two years, my children took turns walking a needy baby during dinner prep time.

My husband and I made an early decision that we would not entertain our children simply to relieve ourselves from the burden of their messy and infringing presence.  This meant less quiet, less order, less sleep for us. Instead of flipping on a DVD in the morning for them so we could sleep longer,  Stewart and I took turns getting up with little ones and reading to them in our half sleep.  Once they reached four, we would trundle down the stairs, gather a stack of books, plunk a child on the couch, and say, "When you've looked at every one of these you can come wake us up," hoping that we were establishing an expectation that they would learn to amuse themselves...which worked.

A dead soldier being carried home from battle.
Notice the small drum being played on his behalf.  This
stretcher is constructed from belts and walking sticks.
Because our children never had the expectation of media in the morning, in their boredom, they began to expand beyond their pile of books.  We had many an unappetizing breakfast in bed prepared by eager hands.  (Many times one of us awakened to the smell of burning toast and the clanking and dirtying of pans and would shake the other awake, "hurry, get up, get downstairs...they're making breakfast in bed.")

Our living room might be the sight of a pioneer home, all the children in costume and the furniture rearranged for the purpose.  Or an elaborate Civil War battle might be staged with Playmobil.  Today, our children come downstairs and the readers read to the non-readers and the older children read their Bibles.  My older daughter once designed and sewed a table runner before breakfast or another daughter has worked on a fairy house.  Even the five year old can make his own scrambled egg...and it isn't so bad.

It is understandable that we live in a day that because of media, our children are predisposed to expect constant stimulation.  But this is actually the last thing they need.  They need to plan out activities on their own and then sustain and "live into" their plan.  This develops a much needed capacity for "executive function," which is highly declining in children, according to researchers today.  Executive function is essential in an adult's capacity to lay out plans and execute them both in their employment and personal lives. Read this NPR article and look for the related Q &A link, which are both informative about the need for children to have unstructured play:  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19212514.  It will sober you as to the dangerous affect media is having on our children's developing imaginations and the unneeded over scheduling that is robbing our children of something more important for their development...just simple time.

Play changed after TV shows began marketing toys.  Now children imitate shows using toys that are TV figures they have seen, rather than planning out a game and employing objects in creative functions that change depending on the story.  The best toy is a toy that can be many different things. A piece of fabric can be a tourniquet, part of a tent, a blanket, a towel, a cape, a bed roll, etc.

See my suggestions in Resources for how to acquire a chest of raw materials for creative play.

My son was waiting on me.  In his boredom,
 he built a structure for his younger brother,
made a fire, and started reading.
This does not mean that children do not need to be guided in their boredom.  They must be trained by their parents to be creative in their ideas and to see opportunity.  But they do not need you to shape their play.  It is important that they do this for themselves.  If you read good books to your children, they will act out time periods and characters.  Just remember, though, if children are scolded every time they come in dirty from the yard, they will internalize that boundary--("play, but not in ways that make you dirty").  Suggest options for play, but let them come up with the ideas.

The most sobering aspect of this generation of mediated children is that we have let it happen in our own exhaustion and our need to be given space and left alone with our own interests.  I am not saying that there is not a time in which a movie is not a nice family activity, but it should be intentionally chosen and scheduled.  There have also been occasions in which it is imperative that my husband and I have a meeting that is not interrupted;  so on those occasions we might stick in a movie, and because our children so rarely see movies, they are truly hypnotized.

But overall, it is not too much to ask a child who is waiting in the car or traveling many miles to come up with a game to play, make up a story, look out of the window or keep track of license plates.  If we listen to music or audiobooks in the car, we listen together.  (We have done a 4,500 mile road trips without any movies.  Sometimes we wished for them, but we are glad we didn't succomb).

At home, the sky is the limit as to what can occupy or stimulate.  I check out art books or books on subjects that I think will interest my children and simply leave them around the house.  Many times I will find them "in a moment of boredom" leafing through one of those books.  Recently, I found one on different Civil War regiments and their regalia open on the floor in the bathroom--bathroom boredom reading.  My six year old was poring over the different kinds of money of the Confederate army.

Pilgrims with "hobo lunches." If kids bring me sticks, I tie their lunches in a bandana so
they can journey and eat on location. Gives me a quiet lunch inside. 
Recently a friend was traveling on a greyhound bus and found his seat companion to be a freshly released convict.  The ex-con asked what my friend was studying in college.  When he mentioned "finance," the ex-convict started asking him about different authors and theories.  My friend said the ex-con knew more about finance than he himself knew.  So he asked him how he knew all of this.  The ex-convict's response was, "When you're in prison, you get bored;  so you read anything you can find."  This man had educated himself in his boredom.  So many of my children's interests have grown out of reading and exploring during stretches of unfilled time.

Orphans surviving together (in the rabbit cage?)
This is an ancient temple. To find the gold,
you must survive secret traps and tunnels.
These are some of the games my children have made up during swaths of available time: "Achilles' Heel"(when one child keeps all the others from touching his heel), any and every sport inside and out, Irish fleeing the potato famine, an African market, library, many plays, Victorians, medieval knights and princesses, The Trojan War (with neighbors--including the girls as Amazons), "Voco Humans" (?), Julius Caesar acted out with togas and ketchup, cowboys and Indians, pioneers, doctor office (including baby deliveries), all kinds of doll games, hanging a rocking horse high in a tree or a chair that different kids could rock on, using grapling hooks for climbing up trees, burials for birds, parachuting off of the playscape, the Oregon Trail, many Lincoln Log fort wars, countless Playmobil extravaganzas, hiking, creating forts and lean-to's, and every year with cousins, a rehearsed show (some of the past have been: a rodeo, circuses, an elaborate jousting tournament, Church of the Baptism and the visitation of the bishops--with tea cosies on their heads), a yearly acting out of the Christmas story with Jesus in a laundry basket, a magic show including cutting someone in half, making movies with the neighbors.  This does not touch the books they have read, the cooking, and the Play Doh, and the art.  Now as they are older, they love table games, sewing, cooking, reading, making music together, sports, hiking, and simply sitting around and talking and laughing. This did not evolve in one weekend, but has developed over the course of years.

All of these things unfold even though my children sometimes long and hope for media and are more than glad to watch anything, even if it's "educational."  It is always a battle, and we have had seasons in which as parents we have given in too often.  When this has happened, we have instituted fasts from media by putting away the DVD player.   We have never allowed computer games of any sort;  so our children never expect that.  (I know that video games can be very useful for children who are greatly restricted in their capacity for activity due to health issues).  We realize how necessary it is to set strict boundaries on media when we see how sad and disturbed some are when the DVD player is being carried into the basement. Even though we use it sparingly, the possibility of distraction through media is always a lingering hope.  That response motivates our fast more than ever.  It is amazing how quickly they get over the hope and expectation of media when they know it is simply not available.

Now with media in your pocket through the cellphone, it is more important than ever that we not use our phones to entertain our children.  Just last night I watched a child at a restaurant watching a movie while the family had dinner.  Don't hand phones to children to distract them.  Insist that they learn to sit and listen to others (of course this cannot be expected of children under three...you will have to take turns distracting them).  You will never be sorry when they are teenagers and want to be with the family, listen to the guests you have over, tell stories, and simply be present to what is happening.  In another post I will expound on my deepest concern about the accessibility of all media at all times, which is that people are losing the ability to be fully present to the moment.

When my children first started complaining of boredom, I felt no pity.  Instead, I offered a list of chores that needed to be done.  And they quickly found they had endless other ideas waiting to be incarnated.  I won't lie that sometimes after their creative bursts, I don't look longingly at the DVD player. Today, New Year's Day, arrived after several days of unstructured time at home in a small house with high volume and activity and plenty of scuffles between the youngest two who had had too little sleep and too much sugar. We brought in 2014 watching an episode of the Andy Griffith show and two episodes of Lark Rise to Candleford.  I was pleased today to hear my teenage son learning two worship songs on his guitar (using the computer...we aren't Amish) while my teenage daughter organized a family cabinet and made Austrian dumplings. One son was dressed up as a police men sneaking around with his two year old brother who was in various costumes.  My other son worked on playing his trumpet by ear and teaching himself to play the recorder, while his sister in the next room worked on a scrapbook and cleaned up her room.  Later we all took a long walk in the falling snow.  But if I so much had turned on a YouTube, and they had heard the sounds of media, they would all have come running from their productive and interesting engagements, glad to throw it all away for a "quick fix."  As much as we wanted the break ourselves of quiet, order, and some mindless distraction, my husband and I were quietly thankful that all of our children know how to be together and amuse themselves with worthwhile and enriching activities.

P.S. Especially those of you with younger children--read my responses to one of the questions and comments below for more creative ideas and suggestions for some helpful media when distraction is a must.


Could somebody please stick in a movie for these boys???

18 comments:

  1. Excellent post, Katherine! So true . . . and a little convicting. I love the creative pursuits that are always happening in your home. -- Julie

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    1. You know how we struggle and are convicted, too. Did you notice Ethan in one of the "creative pursuits"? Check the resource page. I almost put the pic in in which he is "wounded" and quite downcast, missing a shoe, and hobbling around....

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  2. I made a lot of mistakes as a parent, but one thing I will never, ever regret is having raised my kids television-free. When they were little, other people would marvel at what voracious readers they all were, and ask me how I did it. You can imagine their disappointed reaction when I told them my secret formula for raising juvenile bookworms.

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  3. Katherine,
    A perfectly timed post. Alec and I were just discussing the distractions in our own day-to-day. Media is chief among them. While we were able to identify several of our personal blind-spots, we struggled to find the balance for the children. After reading, I have the eyes to see clearly. What we have traded for an extra hour of sleep or an hour of uninterruption, (I feel) is cheating the children from the long-term goal of creativity and their own ability find quiet.
    I feel a fast is upon us......

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    1. It requires constant conversation and objectivity to keep a balance. I always look for signs in my children and myself to gauge whether media is infringing on our creativity and expectations of how time should be filled. God bless you in your discernment and the habits he helps you form, Jill.

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  4. This is such a convicting, inspiring post. And maybe a little intimidating as well, because your children's creative activities are so wonderful, and it's hard for me to imagine my kids (5, 2, and 1) conceiving of such great ideas. I really struggle to know what to do with my kids' "I'm bored"s when they're coming fast and furious in a stretch of unstructured time, and I do use media as a crutch sometimes, justifying it with how much I need a break and sometimes even by saying how much they learn from a quality show. I'm curious if you think children can learn good things from TV. I did let my oldest wander around for awhile this afternoon, not knowing what to do with herself, until she settled on making a "museum" filled with all the shampoos, soaps, combs, lotions, and other toiletries she could find in the house. Not exactly Civil War regalia, but it's a start! I have loved your blog and found it through a link Margie Fawcett put on Facebook. Stewart married my husband Phil Reed and me 8+ years ago--I am the former Annie Erhardt.

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    1. Annie,
      Of course I remember you. I am glad you are encouraged through this blog and am so glad you raised questions. I remember well that stage of parenting. It is one of the hardest because so much creative energy must be generated by you. But it is like a fly wheel. If you keep pushing on it, it eventually will gather momentum and move on its own. Please do not be overwhelmed by my post. My children did not put on Civil War reenactments until they read about the Civil War...which, of course, was much later. The good news is that with limited media and great books, your children will come up with amazing creative ideas that my children haven't thought of...such as a museum of toiletries (I absolutely LOVE that). Sometimes they need a jump start of suggestions, but usually if left to wander, they will find something creative to do. ("Build a zoo," seems to be one of my usual suggestions. :)) Another past time for young children is a big bowl of water somewhere on a tile surface or on a big towel. They can put animals in it or figures or wash whatever they want. I have often put a child on a chair up at the sink with water--endless fun and mess. The mess of a wandering child is overwhelming--books all over the floor, cabinets raided, creative set-ups; so they must learn early to help clean it up.
      But more to the point, you, as a mother, do need breaks. My sanity and perspective have been preserved by having half a day a week to myself. Early on my husband would give me about five hours a week when he took the kids, and I did whatever I wanted, starting with quiet Bible reading, prayer, and journaling. He usually takes them hiking or walking in the Arboretum and has grown to love the time alone with them.
      Because we live in a culture that has moved away from the benefits of living with or near extended family and most of us do not live in accessible nature in which kids can disappear for hours, we do not have the help we need to live up to our ideals sometimes. There are moments in the day that become impossible for a mom if she has no older children to help. (I reiterate...it will get easier for you). I have been relieved by certain media that I can pop in for young children that gives me a moment to do something that was becoming impossible. To answer your question about TV shows...we do not have cable; so I know very little of what is available. But when I have been at the dentist office for long stretches of time and watched the shows for children, I have been appalled by the lack of STORY. These shows seem didactic in a way that I find very unappealing and a waste of time. I have not found that my children learn much from educational videos, (such as "The Letter Factory" that I hoped would teach my son to recognize letters). These shows do not introduce memorable characters that are both interesting and worthy of emulation.
      I think the best media for younger children is great story (see below) or real photography of nature, animals, etc. The very best resource I have had for a span of ages has been the series, "Mammals," by David Attenborough. He travels everywhere and teaches about different mammals in their habitats. My teenage son rediscovered these recently and was amazed again at all one can learn from these and how wonderful the photography is. Children can watch baby echidnas in their hovels and a lion attacking a gazelle.
      I will continue this in a second reply, as this cannot take all the words I need to use. :)

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    2. Continued... The next criterium I use for media is good, calming story. I love the Beatrix Potter stories that are animated (but begin with a lovely actress painting on a hill then going into her parlor to drink tea and write the story that then unfolds on the screen). The "Kipper" videos are some of my favorites for young children, and the Little Bear series. These do not assault the children with rapid images that over stimulate them. Later on, the Little House on the Prairie episodes were good family fare, and old reruns of Robin Hood made in the 50's and The Waltons. Right now my children are in love with the old Andy Griffith show. These all share good family values and are paced in a way that is more developmentally appropriate than many of today's movies (my older kids have seen the Pixar movies, of course, but I do not think these are appropriate for really young children).
      I hope these ideas help. I will say, though, that once media is put in for kids, even if it is for half an hour or an hour, they will find it hard afterward to be creative. So I suggest putting it off to the end of the day and letting them live into their creativity first. :) But just so you know, my home is not the perfect ideal, and we try our best to make life lived out with children a long term blessing but also a short term possibility, which sometimes means meeting an immediate need.
      One last word...try to get your five year old into audio books. This has been another salvation for me. Use my book list if you want for ideas for books on her interest level and set her up in a quiet place with a C.D. player or with a Play-Away or with a walkman with earphones. My pre-readers and readers spend HOURS listening to books, and this actually makes better writers than reading silently (acc. to research). Start with short fifteen minute books and move to longer ones. It can be miraculous once it catches on.
      I pray for you moms to be encouraged in your sacrifice and not to lose heart. Those who go out sowing the seed (with tears many times) will come again rejoicing, bearing their sheaves. Please keep in touch, Annie, and let me know how these ideas work for you and how I can encourage and help. Do let me know that you read this response, as I want to make sure you are not discouraged.

      Many, many blessings,

      Katherine

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    3. Thanks for the wonderful reply, Katherine. What a blessing to me that you took the time to write it! And so many great suggestions. I'll have to print this out and read it a few more times to think about it all and try some of your ideas out. I actually just realized you replied--I put your post up on Facebook (I hope that's okay), and my sister-in-law read it and told me you had replied to my comment. So maybe I need to adjust some setting so I know there's a response. I have to go tend to a crying baby...but thanks again so much for your response--such an encouragement to me!

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    4. Thank you! Great post! ;)

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  5. Yes, yes, yes!!! Thank you for this! As a mom of four little ones who tries to resist the temptation of putting in a video or handing over the iphone, I am so glad for the encouragement! This is a message so many moms need right now! So few realize the price one pays when they let media into the life of a family.

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  6. Katherine, I am blessed by every single one of your posts. Thank you for writing. I have a question about cleaning up after these creative endeavors. Do you warn them before they start that they will have to clean up? I find that my attitude in the warning can be very much like saying, "play outside but don't get dirty". I chuckled today as Sadie came to me asking if they could really wash each others hair in their "hair salon" in the basement. She started by saying, "You will probably say no, but..." I find that when then word it like that I'm much more likely to say yes. What does that say about me? Well, the whole media thing is very convicting too. Jeff is reading your post now so we can talk about it. We limit it, but it is expected everyday come late afternoon by certain children, AND then we deal with, "Well so and so got so many minutes of screen time and I only got this many..."and on and on it goes.

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    1. The clean-up is definitely daunting sometimes. I think it is OK to provide a reminder of clean-up, but I think the first message needs to be, "That is such a great idea!" One way to eliminate the need to remind them is just to have a rule they all know that at the end of the day everything gets put away by a pre-determined time. We have assigned zones that children are responsible for. At about 5:30, I call out, "Time for zones!" The rule is that everyone cleans up his/her zone and then goes to help the others that haven't finished yet. That way if one area got used more that day, no one gets stuck with an impossible task. The yard and the basement are separate zones and are included. I do think children should be expected to clean up their creations. Occasionally, they may ask for something to be left up that took a lot of set-up. Then we negotiate when it will be put away.

      As to regular media usage, I find most media to be a source of conflict among children. The bottom line is that they just don't need it. I think having occasional movies is fine, but we notice that even two days in a row seems to create an expectation that we will do it regularly. And it just discourages reading, creativity, and community. Your kids are so creative that you don't have to come up with ideas for them; they do it on their own. Whatever you decide about media, don't feel bad about withholding it or establishing strict rules...they always get over it. Love you!

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  7. My son who is 25 sent me this link. It reminds us of a homeschooling curriculum that I used when the kids were little. It is very hands on and helps to get your creative juices going. The original Konos has Units of different character qualities that you would like your children to have. One unit we enjoyed was on Medieval times. There were books suggested as well as how to make castles, swords, costumes, etc. Even if you don't homeschool it would be a good resource. Another thing that we did was have a pegboard with hooks. We put different outfits in bags and put them on the hooks. (wolf costumes, Daniel Boone costume, etc.

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  8. Some resources that have helped me with imaginative play for children are:
    Discovery toys- They have parties in the homes -fun, sturdy toys that are educational as well.
    Melissa and Doug toys are ones you can buy in many special toy shops - they have art supplies,blocks, puzzles, creative pretend food play etc.
    Millers Pads and Papers - they come to a lot of homeschool conventions. You can order on line. They have a lot of creative art supplies.

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  9. The first time I read this post, I must have missed the follow-up comments. They couldn't be more timely. The media-pendulum has swung into a high-quantity zone and it's once again time to fast. My children are aged 5, 3 and 2 and I'm thrilled that we have gotten the oldest interested in audio books. Katherine, I'd be interested in your methods of occupying littler ones while you are attempting to home-school the older ones.
    Blessings,
    Jill

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  10. Yes! To everything you said. The picture of muddy boys looks like one I have of my 4 boys about that age. The best thing that ever happened to us was burglars stealing our tv when my oldest (of 7) was just a baby. My mother recently laughed about my son reading encyclopedias at her house. It is true, he did and still does(at age 24), read voraciously. I hope my adult children will not let media entertain any children they may have. I found your blog in a round-about way, but I so resonate with it!

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    1. I am so glad that I, too, was raised without any T.V. It is a fight daily to give my children what I had. May God empower the next generation to fight the good fight for their children's imaginations! Thank you for commenting.

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